Chuck Norris? HAH! Don't make me laugh.

For the last couple of your earthly units of time you call 'months', I have noticed this strange fad or trend or whatever it is you white ghetto children have managed to popularise on the Internet. This strange popularisation ritual involves escalating a trifle man, as amazing as he is, into a god-like abomination. This man is Chuck Norris. And he is not what you think of him.

This entire concept was founded by Chuck Norris himself in order to sway public affection away from the ruling party and the true god-like beings of our magnificent universe. I have heard inside news that Chuck Norris himself sat at a menacing round table and ordered his 2 hellish minions to go out into the world and spread the fallacies, nay, the propaganda that we are unfortunately the unwilling guinea pigs of. This entire operation is actually to boost Chuck Norris' own morale to get away from the absolute fear that grips him from thinking of the aforementioned true god-like beings: The Ninja.

By orders of the Grand-Master of the UNA [United Ninja Association] him/herself [the Grand Master is always shrouded in darkness] I have been appointed to correct the wrong-doings of this strange hairy beast calling himself Chuck Norris via his own propaganda.

And so, here are the true and yet random facts....of The Ninja:

1)Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

But only Ninjas kill entire civilisations. Hard to believe, but the 'Atlantis Incident' was the cause of the King of Atlantis opening a window.

2)There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

This list was made-up with the permission of The Ninja. Some parts [Numbers 1-56092 of 56093] was actually personally penned by a ninja and given to Chuck Norris to carry out.

3)The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

The chief export of The Ninja is death.

4)There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

No ninja has ever suffered from such a debilitatingly freakish physical abnormality.

5)Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk, and kill.

Ninjas have four speeds: Walk, Fly, Flip-out, Kill.

6)Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris actually waits for the day ninjas will debase themselves enough to flip out and kill him. Thus, a loss of sleep is understandable.

7)The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1)Heart disease 2)Chuck Norris 3) Cancer

Ninjas nowadays mostly leave the art of killing alone, compared to before. One of their tamest killing sprees was later covered up as the bubonic plague in the 16th century in Europe.

8)When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Ninjas.

9)Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Ninjas teach books the information they contain.

10)Chuck Norris has counted to infinity - twice.

Ninjas discovered the numbers after infinity. They are said to explode the minds of anyone non-Ninja.

11) When you see Chuck Norris and then you don't see Chuck Norris, you have at most 3 seconds to live.

You never see the Ninja preparing to kill you. And you have no amount of time to live.

12)Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Except for Chuck Norris himself. The entire world was destroyed when a low-level Ninja flipped out due to Chuck Norris' audacity. We call that the Dinosaur Extinction.

13)If Chuck Norris found out about this site....he would delete the Internet.

The only reason he hasn't, is because Ninjas own the Internet.

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Now, I am aware that a larger amount of such shameless propaganda are defecating on the Internet, but I can only do so much. I know I have been successful in opening your eyes to the extreme act of self morale boosting that flaccid Norris is masterminding. May The Ninja forgive his soul.

Ciao.

<3 Happy Valentines Day <3........

.....you utter morons.

Now, far be it for me to return to the blogosphere after such a lengthy absence and open with a rant against one of the most beloved days in the current slump of human culture, but...here we are.

I have been looking at the news and the general unsuspecting populace, and the sights and sounds being laid bare before my startlingly glorious visage is mortifying. People from all walks of life are going around celebrating Valentines Day...like its some kind of holiday!

Now call me old-fashioned and a hopeless romantic, but am I the only one who finds something wrong with devoting an entire day to 'Love'? This may sound the indescribably cringe-worthy cliche...but cannot everyday be a day to celebrate love? Why do we need a special day, just so we may be rudely reminded at every television channel and gift/greeting card shop that 'Go beat your wife/girlfriend/significant other some other day. Today, go home with a bouquet of flowers and one of our official licensed cards and wallow in the glorious light of love. Then tomorrow you can go beat that little shit!'

I mean, there are people hungry and dying and those that have not felt the warmth of love all their lives simply because they were born in a poor household, and we feel it necessary to shell out hundreds if not thousands of units of our [apparently] useless cash on cards with a big teddy bear with a heart shaped chest! Oh, and don't forget the boxed candy and ridiculously overpriced stuffed toy. You know that your girlfriend will leave your sorry ass for your best friend's father's cousin's dad if you don't give her a 'Hallmark Valentines'. Right?

For a few seconds of this 'love'ly day, stop and think about what you're doing. You are giving away your hard-earned/stolen/received cash on something that you don't even need. You are, in actuality, doing what multi-national conglomerates like Hallmark and Archie's [last time I checked...that was a comic book you 'tards] wants you to do. That is, pay them.

Valentines Day is the second-most commercialized event in human history, second only to the materialistic event that was once known as Christmas. The history behind Valentines Day is long and I'd rather not get into it, but let's just say that some poor Saint or something got screwed over. At least the greeting card companies are enjoying raping that poor man's special day to reach the end of their own nefarious plans...possibly to control humankind in some post-1984 kind of way.

Now that I have opened your eyes and minds to the copious amounts of excretion that had previously taken up a substantial...no, make that gargantuan portion of your seemingly love-struck minds, take my much needed advice: Today, go home just as usual and instead of beating your significant other for his/her trifle failings, give her/him a kiss. And tell him/her/them/it that you love her/them/him/it. And then tomorrow, at least once before and at least once after work or school or whatever it is that you waste time on in-between reading my blog, repeat the previous step. And continue that for the rest of your natural lives.

I promise that your divorce papers* will mysteriously disappear.

Ciao.

*Restraining orders may or may not be filed against you either. It all depends on a)Whether you are on good terms with your significant other, b)Whether or not your significant other knows your existance beyond the obscene phone calls and scary letters left at the foot of her bed...on the 27th floor.